JOHN

2009 was so predictable yet more unexpected.

I knew I was gonna look for a job and it wasn’t gonna be easy for me. I knew I was gonna live a boring life here in my hometown. I knew I was gonna stay single for a long time.

I didn’t know I could have a little bit “reunion” with Joy. I didn’t know that my job would be an education consultant. I didn’t know I would be meeting Becca and Sarah at Beijing and I didn’t know Becca and I would have a thing and Sarah could be so pissed off about it lol. I didn’t know someone would offer to marry me so that I could move to the states. I didn’t know J would do the same for me and actually we would talk about a real marriage.

It’s now obvious my ignorance about 2009 has been superior to my knowledge. And ignorance is a bliss.

So here I am, at the door of 2010. I hope for the best and I expect the least. Either  way, I am gonna live in 2010.

PS: two things I wanted to remember at the end of 2009
1 M dreamed of me paying a visit to Chicago and she came and hung out with me. “It was a blast, just so you know”, she said.
2 What’s the ultimate compliment to a man? I think I just got the answer from Jess, she said: “I think that if I had children with anyone (and that is a big 'if'), I would have them with you”.

今天把那次Jess给我写的信从墙上摘下来，仔仔细细又看了一遍，没有再贴回去，我觉得应该多多向前看。这次看，又看出字里行间新的含义，看懂了那时候她是多爱我，也感到她写信的时候是多么用心。但不管过去多么美好，都只属于过去的某个瞬间。我在别人对自己的感情的延续性上没有丝毫的信心。同时也不知道为什么自己会爱得那么久。Jess今天在FB上说收到了我的圣诞礼物，说给M的衣服刚好合身，她的父母很感动，她说她觉得给M找到了圣诞服装。我很开心。我想好了给她的生日礼物，希望她那时候不会有bf，这样就不会介意我送那样贵的礼物。好好攒钱吧。很想她。Becca回家了，我俩也是没有机会。

It turned out J fell in love with me back then, without my knowledge. We should’ve made love. But it’s merely her hindsight. So maybe there’s nothing to feel sorry for.

时间接近午夜，即将进入梦乡。从下班开始，好像一顿丰盛的晚餐，现在主菜都已横扫一空，只剩甜点。甜点固然诱人，但是甜点后面就散席了。

最近工作压力很大，主要是有无穷无尽的deadline，而很多时候我的deadline是取决于我的同事，但来自客户的压力，却落在我的肩上，腹背受敌。下了班就拒接任何电话。

昨晚Joy来电，说她上周去了香港，然后要我帮忙找一些推荐信的素材，她想试试申德国的博士。

上周末的所有时间都交代给了工作。总算没有白费，客户拿到了签证。

再往前的周末，北京成行，故宫、圆明园、天坛，走到脚腕受伤。夜里，北海湖边很冷，酒吧里很暖和。青啤最低卖到了10块，终于找到了我能消费得起的酒吧。住在70一晚的四合院青年旅社的最便宜四人间。每天傍晚回来必先打盹，然后晚餐。Becca牵了我的手，后来我们牵手。在地铁里飞奔，她们误了飞机。我独自在王府井街头徘徊，头一次给娃娃买衣服，最后选了将近300的小旗袍，还不知道M能不能穿得上。没看到Obamao的T恤，后来在tb买到了。

David说我是"wear heart on sleeve"的人。aw, that kid!

有几天没有一门心思工作了，该悬崖勒马，阿弥陀佛。生活忽然起了波澜，是以记之。

一切从一周前说起。这天晚上跟Becca聊天，聊着聊着，她忽然问，我是不是只想结一次婚。我说是。她说，那如果这次婚只是为了去美国呢？我说那对另一方太不公平啦。然后说，先别期待太高，我在琢磨是不是跟你结婚，帮你去美国。我说，你太好了。

我想，我人缘可真好。所以接下来在Facebook上遇到J的时候，我把这事当作趣事讲给她听。她说她也愿意帮我。我说谢谢，可是我不想耽误你呢，要结婚至少三年呢，何况美国政府不是那么好骗的。她说，John，你忘了一点，我们根本不需要骗政府，我已经很爱你了。而且这样做是出于愿望，并非责任。隔后几天，她说跟她妈妈谈过了，她妈妈说，没有意见，只要想好了这件事真的对John好。

所以，我要结婚了吗？或许，或许不。还要看法律怎么说。

我现在的语气很平静，因为我的心里很温暖很满足。去不去美国并不重要。我以后结不结婚也不重要了。I’m so loved.

顺便说，我们之间有爱，没有爱情。We are in love with our best friends.

I am LUCKY
[audio:http://api.ning.com/files/5CvA9jT-Z8br8GP2IiW3ejHItYRWUwH1rS3gOECDKUF7DX7bu**CtcCa*06oKRpvkbEXJZYR-KlViVPuyp4WA-vP834JiXmb/JasonMrazfeat.ColbieCaillatLucky.mp3]

Don’t know what’s wrong with me.  It’s been two and a half years and I still can’t let go. No matter what I’ve been through and whom I’ve met, she’s still there, like I have her imprinted in my brain and these time together resolved in my blood.

I happened to come across some of her pics back then when we were 2gether and I felt like i was struck by lightening, with my heart racing wildly and my breath shortened. At that very moment, I knew I still care.

I am reluctantly stuck in time. I mean, I have been trying. I went to a foreign country, I fell in love with girls more than I’d had done so in the past twelve years, I drowned myself with alcohol and I did weed, I willingly thought that kiss we had  last winner ain’t mean nothing and I am trying really hard to bury myself in work. They work, sort of, or you can say they only hold off the tumor for a moment but it seems now none of them is a cure. Then what is one?

Honestly, I don’t know. I know exactly what’s going on between me and her back then. Now I see that she didn’t love me as we both once believed. When I said I wanted to be the man she wanted me to be and she answered that I was the man she wanted, we were both too naive, cuz I would never be somebody I was not and she mistook me for someone in her imagination. Then later her breaking up with me proved that we were both wrong, sadly. I was not loved the way I loved. She thought she loved me cuz she was comfortable to be taken cared of by me and no one ever did that well. So like the physicists, I know exactly how it went. But the million dollar question is…why?

Why is the universe the way we see it today? Why has it to be like this? Why is PIE PIE?  Why doesn’t she love and care about me the way I do to her? Why was she so decisive about leaving me after all the happy moments we had? Why wouldn’t we fulfill our vows, you know, “for better for worse, till death do us part”? Why do I still have a thing for her even I am pretty sure that I loved Cheery, Leona, Michi and Jess?

Those why’s are driving me nuts and giving me an agonal and slow death. Is it what they call destiny? Did I do something really bad to her in my last life? Is it the Cross I am supposed to carry? see I am torturing myself again.

I didn’t know it can still hurt so bad, as bad as fresh wound.

昨天去青岛出差，今天睡懒觉，下午也自己给自己放了假，把手机关机，恶补美剧。算下来，连续工作了十天了，每天工作10小时以上，不是公司逼着，确实是事情太多，他们叫我工作狂。桐那天说看了本总结成功人士的书，说是在一个领域，谁的高强度工作时间达到1万小时，就能先人一步。我当然入行已经就晚了，但是若是达到这一万小时应该也不错，算了下，按照现在的工作强度，应该差不多是三年。歇着的感觉并不好，昨晚做了许多关于工作的梦，似乎表明了潜意识里的不安，真的是有太多太多太多的事应该在上周在昨天完成了。

还是没有生活，也没有时间生活。给自己买了个三诺N-20GII的2.0音箱，有电脑以来一直想着有个音箱，终于实现了，音质么，跟价格相符。最近一直有败家的冲动，但是没有找到什么值得我败的。之前预定的Windows 7这周末也应该可以下载了。

牛在打听美军招人的消息，据说两年就能入籍，不知道我能不能参加，应该是不行，因为不在美国国内，Shawn说如果需要他帮忙可以说一声。最近得知有个取得澳洲PR的机会，后来仔细研究后发现是一场误会。都没有特别的兴奋或者失落，比任何时候都能沉得住气。感觉现在没有特别的什么是我追求的，当然除了眼前的工作，也不是成就事业的雄心壮志，只是觉得既然干了，就要把这行学通。

爸妈偶尔旁敲侧击的暗示，应该去认识姑娘了，爸还特担心我在这里等着Jess。其实不是因为Jess。回国以来，一直也没遇到那么亲切的姑娘，没有交到那么好的朋友。最近有不少同学结婚或者要结婚了，晓东结婚了，这样大学宿舍里就有一半结婚了。但结婚没有在我的时间表上，我的时间表也就是只包括下一个月的事情，实际上结婚也不需要时间表，今天遇到明天即可结婚。不会怕承诺，不会觉得束缚，只是还没遇到对的人……或者说是错过了。觉得上次的爱情还不错，至少还是一直想要的那种爱情——当然，我猜错了结局。

跟着Jin Sir吃了两次单位对面的上岛，觉得那个地方很安静，哪天下了班有空去喝一杯吧。

阿杆终于登记了。小风雷在去西东篱把酒黄昏后藏旅游前辞了职。Joy说她实验还算顺利。

某天忽然想到就是去年这个时候遇到Jess的。本来是去看Terry的中文课学的怎么样，结果他人去晚了，我跟后排的Zac谈了几句，就坐在他旁边上课了。不久教室里充满了人，唯独我左边的座位是空的，上课五分钟，有个穿粉红色的lady匆匆赶来，坐在我身边的空位上，她脱下外套的时候，我看到了她右臂上的星星纹身，然后我们目光相遇了，亲切的微笑。于是整节课，我们都在小声交谈着，只是那时我不知道，我的心里永远有了她的位置，一段难忘的时光在等着我们俩。在回去的路上，我对Sarah说，今天遇到一个很好的姑娘，她说你怎么不要她电话号码，我说嗯我是够傻的。
想到她的时候，心中总是满满地感激。我在Facebook上，给她写了一封感恩的信，她很快就回给我一封，更加让我想念她。我把信打印出来，贴在办公桌旁，每当看到，都被传送到那个完美的季节。She's the one I say "I love you" and don't worry about the subsequences. I am glad we didn't fall in love.

Do you have a decent friend who lives pratically an ocean away too?

My first vacation after work is now coming to an end. I remember someone said something like: he who need a vacation most is the one who just had one. Well, I am a living proof. Actually, I've gone back to work on since 5th, so the vacation has practically ended.

I didn't go anywhere, as always. I mean travel is never my cup of tea. But I had a really busy schedule. I went to four family reunions and  two weddings in four days. The highlight was that I bought Joy a dinner at the Yu Quan Sen Xin buffet, great restaurant. She looked fabulous, the food was good, and we just kept talking about anything. Then I accompanied her to the Silver Plaza supermarket then RT-Mart for something her father told her to buy. We sat down in the KFC, for a while, some old time memory flashed in my head. Then I sent her home and we said goodbye. I intended to give her a goodbye hug but never got the "go" signal. Decent time with decent people.

Work takes me most of my time/life but I don't complain. This is what I do and it gives me a relatively stable income, for which I am grateful. Besides, work allows me more chances to meet people. I used to complain about not getting to know anybody new since I got back from the States, well, that's not totally ture. I got to know several clients and their family, nice people. I feel lucky. Among them, there's this Sarah, whom whenever I see, my heart beat races. I haven't had this feeling since Jessica. She is smart, pretty, cute, young, good-smelling and all. I love to see her smiling and I think she is smoking-hot. Too bad for me that she's eventually going to America, but I'll pray for that to happen.

So much for the vacation, what's next?